


i close my eyes (and dream of you and i)

by haengbokhaeya (shinybicho)



Series: i'll be the spring to your smile [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotionally Constipated Lee Jihoon | Woozi, I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANGST IN A REALLY LONG TIME, M/M, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-11-01
Packaged: 2019-01-27 08:45:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12578028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinybicho/pseuds/haengbokhaeya
Summary: What hurt the most? The fact that you broke up? Or the fact that you have no one to blame?





	1. i close my eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _Yah, Lee Jihoon! It’s three in the afternoon, do you have any idea how many times I’ve called? You could have_ at least _sent me a message! ‘Hi Cheol, not gonna go to work today by the way but I’m fine!’”_

It hurt. No matter how hard he tried not to think about it, it _hurt_. The mere idea of sitting upright was heavy on his chest. He didn’t want to go to work. He didn’t want to wake up. He just… _didn’t want._

Was it supposed to hurt like this? The excruciating pain in his chest reached his throat and his stomach. It was heavy and it was tiring. He ran out of tears to spill the night before. His throat was parched and his eyes barely opened.

He lazily and blindly reached for his phone. It rang almost nonstop for the past hour he had been awake. Luckily he placed it in vibrate mode because he just didn’t want to deal with anyone. But the noise of the vibration on his night stand was getting annoying.

Maybe he should just get it over with. Like he did with his relationship with…

“ _Yah, Lee Jihoon! It’s three in the afternoon, do you have any idea how many times I’ve called? You could have_ at least _sent me a message! ‘Hi Cheol, not gonna go to work today by the way but I’m fine!’”_

“I’m not,” his voice croaked and hoarse from the crying. He covered his eyes with his entire arm, fitting it on the crook of his elbow. There were pinpricks behind his eyelids, and he felt like he could cry again despite being on the verge of dehydration. His head pounded and it was beginning to look like such a shitty day already.

“ _I know,_ ” Seungcheol said on the other end of the line, but no, he didn’t. He _didn’t_ know.  “ _I know. Just… do you want me there?_ ”

He thought about it. Knowing Seungcheol, had he not answered his phone, he would be ready to barge in after kicking the door down despite having an emergency key. And he didn’t want to see anyone at the moment. If there was anything else he could ask for, it was time to be alone.

“I’ll swing by the office tomorrow,” he said as resolutely as he could with his hoarse voice.

“ _No one’s forcing you to get over anything, Jihoon,_ ” Seungcheol said as if he knew why they ended it in the first place, “ _I’ll have some food brought over. Knowing you, you’d forgotten to eat again._ ”

He winced, knowing full well that it was true. He hadn’t had a decent meal. One, two mouthfuls and he was done. Everything was bland. The water, the soda, even soju tasted like sand on his tongue. His stomach curled, almost as if it was eating itself to satisfy his hunger.

His fridge was surely empty. He hadn’t bothered to go out for anything in the past few days and in retrospect, he should have listened in the first place. The apartment was filled with trash. Mostly of take out boxes and paper plates. If there was any silver lining in this, it was that majority of restaurants in Seoul delivered. There was no reason to get out of the apartment and accidentally bump into…

“ _I’ll check on you later, Jihoon,_ ” Seungcheol said, a rustle on the other end of the line, “ _I still just have to finish some stuff_.”

He sighed, as he made an affirmative noise to let Seungcheol know he heard. He didn’t bother waiting for anything else as he ended the call.

It was a mistake to stare at his phone.

There was a picture of… them. Together. It was a forced picture if he remembered right. He was too busy at work that his phone was just unceremoniously taken from his desk and his shoulders were pulled to make sure they both fit in the shot. His own eyes were wide with surprise and his face was confused. The face beside him had a wide smile, but the longer he looked at it, the more strained it seemed. He should have known. Maybe then it wouldn’t have hurt so much.

There were pinpricks at the back of his eyelids, a tell-tale that he was about to cry again. He felt exhausted to his bones. Staring at his lockscreen brought a ton of emotions he wasn’t ready to face yet.

With a heavy feeling on his shoulders and a pounding headache, he lifted himself up from his bed and dragged his pathetic body to the bathroom. If he wanted to move on, he could at least start by shaving.

  


Kwon Soonyoung was the epitome of energy. He was also very gullible. Except that one time during his birthday when he figured out that he was being avoided when it struck past midnight. They couldn’t finish preparing for his surprise party before he figured it out because _someone_ had trouble looking at him during a conversation.

It was safe to say that Lee Jihoon had a soft spot for Kwon Soonyoung. He couldn’t even deny it anymore.

He loved Kwon Soonyoung with his entire being. While he wasn’t the best in displaying it, somehow Soonyoung always knew he cared. It was because of that, that he took advantage of it.

The first few weeks were, as all relationships, awkward. Their big group of mutual friends adored teasing them. Mostly him in particular. It was tough to endure all the teasing and jeers and the whistles. (They were all happy for the both of them. They were just assholes sometimes.)

But when it was just the two of them left, as Soonyoung walked him back to the dormitory, there was a sense of calm. Their pinkies brushed against each other. Soonyoung inched closer though he pretended not to notice despite being hyperaware of his surroundings and the tips of his ears being very red. (They held hands for the first time that night.)

Their first date was simple. Soonyoung picked him up from the college studio booth after he finished his dance club practice. They went to Han River where the wind was strong and the park was barely lit by the streetlamps. The sky was cloudy; the traffic was too noisy. A biker crashed into Soonyoung while they made their way to the convenience store and they both toppled over. It was, in short, one of the worst nights of his life. (But he would never exchange it for any other day.)

Their first kiss was an accident. It was Soonyoung’s fault.

He fell asleep on the library desk, books displayed in front of him with his notebook on the side. His thesis was ambitious and he wanted it to be perfect. But the ideas and the stress piled up all at once and before he had a breakdown, he had laid his head onto the book and just closed his eyes.

He woke up because of someone whispering his name and gently nudging his shoulder. Slowly he returned to consciousness. His neck ached for staying in one position for too long. He turned to stretch the other side carefully when he felt something soft against his lips.

It was quickly pulled back and his eyes opened in surprise. He found Soonyoung’s face close to his. Eyes round and wide, full cheeks coloring a deep red.

He pulled farther back as it sank in what pressed against his lips. He stood abruptly, his chair clattering at the force of his action. Everyone in the library turned to him, even the librarian’s assistant rolling his eyes at the two of them. Soonyoung stared up at him, face reading the same surprise with a twinkle of fondness.

He slapped his hands against his cheeks in an attempt to hide, but he felt as though his blush peaked through. There was a blush on Soonyoung’s cheeks too, but he looked more amused and fond than anything.

With quick movements, he stacked all the books and stuffed his notebooks and other things in his bag. He hiked it up his shoulder and slammed the books back on the ‘return cart’. He walked away, head faced down and he refused to look at anyone.

Vaguely, from far away that followed a series of ‘shh!’ noises, he heard Soonyoung call out his name.

And in retrospect, he wondered what kept Soonyoung from breaking up with him. It wasn’t like he was attentive. Or sweet. Given any opportunity to work, he’d take it. It had taken Seungcheol days, weeks, even _months_ to get him to take a break. In any worse case scenario, he sent Soonyoung. (That was how Soonyoung first got a copy of his apartment key.)

But that was a painful thought now. Everything felt heavy. His feet, he shoulders, his heart… it was all heavy and empty. He felt hollow, like someone reached into his chest and yanked his heart away.

And maybe that was what happened. That was _exactly_ what happened when Soonyoung told him that he’s had enough. That it was tiring and their relationship was not going to do them any good. That it was better to end it there than to hate each other in the future. That they tried, _god_ they tried but they just couldn’t.

The most painful thing about it all was that Soonyoung never really blamed him.


	2. (and dream of you and i)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It was stupid.” Soonyoung answered and that one sentence could mean many different things with whatever happened between them. Was Soonyoung referring to their relationship? Their break up? Their _kiss_?

He leaned onto the counter, the tears threatening to spill again and the pain in his chest attacking like a bullet. Those feelings needed to stop. He needed to feel better.

With another deep exhale, a pathetic attempt to ease the throbbing, he pushed off of the counter and made his way to the refrigerator. He had hoped, but of course the only thing inside would be rotten milk. He didn’t even have eggs, ramyeon, or canned tuna and that was stupid of him. He thought he was always prepared.

But it was Soonyoung who remembered to buy the groceries. It was Soonyoung who knew the number to their favorite restaurants. It was Soonyoung, Soonyoung, Soonyoung, Soonyoung, _Soonyoung_.

“This has got to stop,” he whispered to himself, slamming the fridge door shut. It didn’t help ease the empty feeling on his chest.

 _20:10._ He took his time inside the bathroom. He tried to look presentable because Seungcheol would do it himself if he saw him. His stomach grumbled, adding to the empty feeling inside him. Deciding that it wasn’t worth waiting for delivery when Seungcheol was bringing food, he slumped onto the couch.

He flopped down, his head hitting the back of the couch. He debated turning the television on, but decided that his head hurt too much to handle the noise. His eyes were sore and swollen and how pathetic was his situation that he didn’t even have water in his fridge?

Someone knocked on the door and he wanted to just ignore it, fully expecting it to be Seungcheol with his food. He knew Seungcheol had another copy of the key to his apartment and if Seungcheol wanted to get in, he’d just use it.

But the knocking became more insistent and louder the longer he didn’t answer. By the time he opened his eyes again, the knocking became banging. It was frantic and loud and noisy. Irritated, he clicked his tongue and rose from his couch. As he walked closer to the door, the banging became even louder and more frantic that he was slightly scared the door was going to break.

“I’m _coming_ , Jesus, Cheol. You have a key for crying out…”

In front of him stood Kwon Soonyoung, in his tracksuit, carrying a plastic filled with take out. He was sweaty, his fringe sticking to his forehead. His face was pink with exertion and his arm was raised high mid-banging the door.

“Jihoon-ah,” Soonyong began and something snapped.

He pushed the door, but Soonyoung was quicker. “Jihoon. Jihoon-ah. Jihoo-- Ji-- _Ji_ , stop!”

“No, you _fucker_! You broke _up with me_!” He pushed the door harder, pushing Soonyoung’s foot out and prying Soonyoung’s hand away from the doorframe. “Or did you just _fucking_ conveniently forgot that?!”

In the end, Soonyoung was stronger from his taekwondo and choreography gigs. He pushed the door open and forced himself in. Only a step inside, one step past the doorframe. Not entirely inside his apartment, but he would need to push Soonyoung out and away to close the door.

“Hyung brought me.” He cursed Seungcheol for the vague meaning of his call.

He glared at Soonyoung. The height difference never mattered. He always glared at Soonyoung. Whether Soonyoung was doing something stupid or cheesy or random, he was always glaring. This time, he felt justified with his narrowed eyes.

“What makes you think--”

“I wasn’t.” Soonyoung answered abruptly. He looked directly at his eyes, not breaking eye contact. There was a blush on his cheeks, but he persisted. “I wasn’t thinking, Jihoon-ah.”

The tears were difficult to swallow. He felt something lodged in his throat and he wanted so badly to yell at Soonyoung. To ask him why. Why did Soonyoung even love him? Why did he leave? Why was he _here_?

Soonyoung reached a hand and he flinched. He wanted to look away. To turn his face from the hand that let him go.

“You need to eat,” Soonyoung said as he dropped his hand and walked past him. “I’ll leave after you finish this then at least hyung can stop yapping at my ear.”

“You can just ignore Seungcheol, you know.”

“I can _never_ ignore anything when it has something to do with you.”

He watched Soonyoung’s back, broad and inviting. The wide shoulders flexing as he removed the containers from the plastic bag and carefully set them down on the dinner table. He looked so at home still, reaching for the utensils in the cupboards and the chopsticks and spoon in the drawer. After, he opened the water bottles and he grabbed a glass from the other cupboard and he washed it. He popped the containers inside the microwave and the only sound left was the beeping and whirring of the machine.

They stopped looking at each other directly.

Soonyoung leaned his lower back on the counter while he waited for the food to heat up. Sixty seconds felt longer in the silence. He stood near the doorway thinking if he could just get out of the apartment. It was looking to be the more preferable choice at the moment. But the moment was gone when the microwave beeped continuously, indicating that the food was finished reheating. Soonyoung popped the microwave open and grabbed the container inside.

Immediately, he jumped and hissed. He touched the lobe of his ear and cursed under his breath. Soonyoung blew on his fingers to soothe the heat. With another click of his tongue, he walked over and grabbed Soonyoung’s wrist, leading him to the faucet and shoved his hand under cold water. Still, he refused to look at Soonyoung directly.

“Jihoon-ah.” He ignored Soonyoung. At their proximity, it was taking _his all_ to do so. “Jihoon-ah.” Soonyoung called again and it was deeper. Something inside him wanted to turn, to look, to _answer back._

It won.

“Jihoon-ah.” Soonyoung called out one last time and he turned, fully intent on just snapping at him and telling Soonyoung to shut up like he was wont to do when they were together but the words died in his throat. His glare melted away because Soonyoung looked at him with intensity. With a feeling that took his breath away because it reminded him when, why, and how he fell in love with Soonyoung in the first place.

Soonyoung’s eyes were moving everywhere. Like he was taking his face in, like it was the last time they were ever going to see each other. Like Soonyoung was trying to _memorize_ him.

The movement was fast. Hands were cupping his jaw, thumbs caressing his cheekbones, and lips pressed against his. Relief flooded his system but his brain screamed. His heart pounded loudly that it rang in his ears. There was tongue movement and he gasped, trying to breathe again but Soonyoung took the opportunity and he gladly gave it.

When they pulled apart, their breaths were hot and heavy. The room was warmer than it had been. Their cheeks were flushed and he wondered if he looked as lightheaded as he felt.

“What the fuck was that?”

“It was stupid.” Soonyoung answered and that one sentence could mean many different things with whatever happened between them. Was Soonyoung referring to their relationship? Their break up? Their _kiss_?

“I can’t believe I thought for even _one minute_ that I could live without you, Ji.”

Then it felt like it opened a dam.

The tears fell down his cheeks and Soonyoung wiped it away lovingly with his thumbs. There was a crooked smile. The loving smile he had missed so fucking much. It hurt to see it so close but know, at the back of his mind, he might never have again.

“ _You_ broke up with _me_ , you _fucker_ ,” was all he could say. His eyes were crossed because their faces were so close to each other. Soonyoung chuckled, an exhalation with a smile and a shake of his head.

“Yeah,” he admitted, “but you know how I always do stupid things.”

He reached for Soonyoung’s hands that were still cupping his face. He looked down, the tears still spilling albeit slowly down his cheeks. Would it be wrong for him to want Soonyoung to stay? All his regrets bounced back at him. The things he wanted to tell Soonyoung, to do for Soonyong...

“I _missed_ you.”

“I love you, Ji,” Soonyoung said, bumping their foreheads together. His hands moved so that he was cupping his entire head instead. Cushioning it in a way that easily let him maneuver his face closer.

Let it be definitively said that Lee Jihoon would always, _always_ , have a soft spot for Kwon Soonyoung.

Soonyoung moved to the side, tilting Jihoon’s head so that he could kiss his forehead, then his eyelid, then down his cheek to the corner of his lips to his jaw until Jihoon caught his lips in a deeper kiss.

The surprise and embarrassment that rushed through Jihoon’s veins felt similarly to the time the first kissed (accidentally) inside the library. The happiness that followed soon after was the same during their first date. Soonyoung’s touch was just as hot as when their hands brushed for the first time. Jihoon’s heartbeat were as loud as the time they _finally_ told all their friends that they were together.

“We don’t have to do this right away,” Soonyoung confessed, moving a little back so that they can look at each other without crossing their eyes, “we can take it slow again.”

Jihoon shook his head. “I think we’ve both suffered enough, don’t you?”

Soonyoung smiled and smothered Jihoon but wrapping his arms around him, crushing him to his chest. Jihoon followed with a grunt, a small ‘oomph’ as his face collided against Soonyoung’s collarbone.

“I love you still, _so very much_ , Lee Jihoon.”

Jihoon reached around Soonyoung, grabbing his shirt and hugging him closer. He smiled, his head tucked between Soonyoung’s jaw and the column of his throat. He closed his eyes, for once, finally feeling relaxed and relieved. “I love you too, Kwon Soonyoung. So much. You wouldn’t believe it.”

**Author's Note:**

> hello. welcome to the first of many fics for my nanowrimo 2017 piece. hahaha. the prompt was given by [Mikazuki](https://twitter.com/clouds_girls) through twitter. i kind of took liberty with interpreting the prompts. this might not be what you really asked for. m(___)m i hope you like it anyway.
> 
> THIS WAS MEANT TO BE AT 1500 WORDS BUT WOWZA FUCKING SHIT.
> 
> this is entirely unedited. i'll be collating all 50 fics into a chaptered fic (edited with possible additional scenes or something) after i post all of them. hahahaha.
> 
> the music that got me through writing this fic:  
> [Losing My Mind (Follies) - Jeremy Jordan](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoZVxPTvGp4&)  
> [Broken Vow - Josh Groban](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jo585KXHxO0)
> 
> SCREAM AT ME: [personal twt](https://twitter.com/shinybicho), [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/shinybicho)


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